Dear Richard “12 ga” Cheney,

By way of your suggestions regarding our flagship line of offshore oil rigs, let us first say how pleased we were to have them. Your idea to package each rig as a tax-exempt, not-for-profit orphanage with public charity status is a stroke of neo-capitalist genius. To your race, whatever that may be, you are a great credit.

If our assumptions are correct, a rig, delivered complete with labor/orphans (of which there is now a global surplus, thanks in part to the continuation of many of your domestic and foreign policies as Vice President) would allow a drilling firm to “benefact” itself through tax-deductible, charitable contributions to itself-as-orphanage. At the same time, the drilling firm/orphanage, being subcontractor for the “care” of the labor/orphans, is eligible to receive government monies as long as the labor/orphans remain wards of the state. This shift in accounting will save millions per annum in insurance costs alone, not to mention the cost of labor, which will be tied only to fluctuations in the cost of gruel.

Along similar lines, another of our consultants (nice Jewish kid, goes by the name of Kissinger, expert in international orphans) has proposed the idea to decorate each rig (using public funds, of course) as exact replicas of the great factory/orphanages of the past. Thus, by modeling drill rigs after, say, the Waldstein Stocking Factory or the Vienna Workhouse, each facility could extract an exhausting number of work hours in the name of "historical accuracy" and subvert any OSHA regulations that might reduce profits. Thus when coupled with tax-exempt museum status, the drilling firm/orphanage could see a minimum increase in (not-for) profits of, oh, let’s say, a very large sum. Possibly more. All to be paid to its directors as salary. Eat your heart out Clinton Global Initiative.

Lastly, assuming these rigs go into production, Kissinger and I disagree over securing the endorsement of Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity. After seeing photographs documenting the ramshackle state of their Calcutta branch, I have come to distrust that entire operation. Where does all that money go? Is David Copperfield their accountant? To me, it seems only a matter of time before someone exposes that entire operation as a fraud.

Again, we are forever in your debt (only as a figure of speech, of course) and are looking forward to offering you a cushy position on our board should your memoirs continue to fail to find an audience beyond the Bilderberg Group.




Hal E. Burton
Leopold II, Inc.
Dis, TX

Augustus Coalschute
437 Old George Wallace Way
Muncie, IN


Dear Mr. Coalschute,

We (don’t) regret to inform you that we are unable to supply you with the venture capital needed to finance your proposal for a big-box retail franchise named The Dandy Klansman. Though we have no moral objection to your endeavor (as we are currently identifying as transdollar), we do believe that its commercial potential* is geographically limited; mostly to pockets of the South, a few areas of Ohio, and the wide middle of your beloved Indiana. We might have been more inclined had the proposal included, say, military surplus (which we can "procure" for you on a consistent basis very cheaply, despite persistent shortages for the armed services), or sporting goods (ones perhaps with a Klan elan, such as Jim Croquet sets, or White Suprema-C vitamin supplements, or golf). But as it stands, we believe the sale of only mid-to-low-end glory suits, regalia, insignia, crosses (marketed as "Krosses!"), kerosene, and rope does not warrant so large an outlet, even with the proposed Young Miss section. As such, we have little doubt that shortly after launch overhead would eventually overwhelm margins, and before you (we) know (knew) it, you'd be lighting your (our) own buildings on fire, blaming it on the Blacks, and trying to claim the insurance proceeds—something we, being also in the business of insurance, do object to morally. Moreover, it is our opinion that there is something amiss in the use of the letter K to spell Klansman. It gives the name a cheap, ersatz feel in a way similar to a variety of semi-synthetic products currently in the marketplace, such as Krab, or Krauthammer, and weakens the emotional impact of the "Genuine Klan!" brand endorsements and the broader appeal of the proposed in-store Imperial Gizzard's Kfried Kchicken Kshack eateries.

Nevertheless, we thank you for your kvaluable time.


This has been recording,


Devlin A. Wood-Pyle

The Porcile Group


* Using the Kissinger Method, VD + f (cos7) = $, where V is equal to the volume of suffering implied to both employees and indigenes of outsource/victim nations, D the percentage of debt to income patrons are willing to assume through purchase, f the amount of military force the U.S. is willing to provide to either keep markets open or shut markets down depending, and (cos7) the ratio of subsidies available under the bylaws of Trans-Malefic Treaty after entity in question opens at least one outlet in Indochina (The Dandy Kransman(?)). $ is/are, as always, equal to $.