Augustus Coalschute
437 Old George Wallace Way
Muncie, IN


Dear Mr. Coalschute,

We (don’t) regret to inform you that we are unable to supply you with the venture capital needed to finance your proposal for a big-box retail franchise named The Dandy Klansman. Though we have no moral objection to your endeavor (as we are currently identifying as transdollar), we do believe that its commercial potential* is geographically limited; mostly to pockets of the South, a few areas of Ohio, and the wide middle of your beloved Indiana. We might have been more inclined had the proposal included, say, military surplus (which we can "procure" for you on a consistent basis very cheaply, despite persistent shortages for the armed services), or sporting goods (ones perhaps with a Klan elan, such as Jim Croquet sets, or White Suprema-C vitamin supplements, or golf). But as it stands, we believe the sale of only mid-to-low-end glory suits, regalia, insignia, crosses (marketed as "Krosses!"), kerosene, and rope does not warrant so large an outlet, even with the proposed Young Miss section. As such, we have little doubt that shortly after launch overhead would eventually overwhelm margins, and before you (we) know (knew) it, you'd be lighting your (our) own buildings on fire, blaming it on the Blacks, and trying to claim the insurance proceeds—something we, being also in the business of insurance, do object to morally. Moreover, it is our opinion that there is something amiss in the use of the letter K to spell Klansman. It gives the name a cheap, ersatz feel in a way similar to a variety of semi-synthetic products currently in the marketplace, such as Krab, or Krauthammer, and weakens the emotional impact of the "Genuine Klan!" brand endorsements and the broader appeal of the proposed in-store Imperial Gizzard's Kfried Kchicken Kshack eateries.

Nevertheless, we thank you for your kvaluable time.


This has been recording,


Devlin A. Wood-Pyle

The Porcile Group


* Using the Kissinger Method, VD + f (cos7) = $, where V is equal to the volume of suffering implied to both employees and indigenes of outsource/victim nations, D the percentage of debt to income patrons are willing to assume through purchase, f the amount of military force the U.S. is willing to provide to either keep markets open or shut markets down depending, and (cos7) the ratio of subsidies available under the bylaws of Trans-Malefic Treaty after entity in question opens at least one outlet in Indochina (The Dandy Kransman(?)). $ is/are, as always, equal to $.